Sigh

As you all can see it has been almost a month now since I last posted. Since then I spent a week on vacation and a week with company in town. I have not been to the gym since the 21st of June and haven't counted my calories since then either. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor to see how my weight loss is going and I am terrified at what he will find. I am scared I am back at my beginning weight. My class is over and that has been my motivation since the beginning and with that over I have nobody here anymore. I feel so alone in this and am having a hard time getting myself to the gym. Since my friend has left I feel myself slumping into my depression again. I need to find some friends around here. Friends I can count on. I will let you know what happens tomorrow. Pray for the best but expect the worst...

My first 0

That is right my friends tonight I had the first chance to look at the scale and see no change.  As hard as it was I thought to myself "well at least it wasn't a gain." Currently we have alot going on around here and to be honest I am thankful I was able to maintain. I am getting stricter again and we will see how this week goes. Here is to a different day with different possibilities!

Catch-up and an update

So here we are, just over a month into this journey and I am losing momentum. I have seen progress and am excited about it but then I see the numbers and am confused. I crave protein and salt. The salt is what is killing me I am sure. I am retaining so much water I feel like a slushy mess. This week my goal has been to LOWER my sodium intake and see what  happens. I am still feeling like I am fighting those around me in this but all I can focus on right now is my life and the influence I have on my daughter. Hopefully people will see from my example and follow, I can only hope.

The first time I had my measurements taken was May 2,2011 the second time was just a month after that on June 1,2011 and the results are as followed.

June 1,2011
Total weight: 267
Body Fat: 38.5
Body Fat Weight: 102.8
Lean Weight: 164.3
Water Weight: 122.2
Protein Weight: 42.1
Triceps Skinfold: 40.2
Supraillium Skinfold: 33.9     Waist Circum 37 in
Thigh Skinfold: 43.3            
Hips: 51.5


May 2,2011
Total Weight:277
Body Fat:37.7
Lean Weight:172.6
Water Weight: 128.4
Protein: 44.2
Tricep: 42.7
Suprailium: 28.5               Waist Circum:  40.5 in
Thigh: 42.7
Hips 56in
OK so the numbers don't look bad for the most part. I lost 3.6% of my weight over 4 weeks. I think I can do better but that is what I got. My hips lost 4.5 INCHES! and my waist lost 3.5 INCHES. These numbers are progress but what confuses me is the fact that my body fat went up 2.1% as did my suprailium skin-fold (my stomach) and my thigh skin-fold(my thigh obviously) How am I losing weight but gaining fat. I hate the days I am discouraged. I hate not having a workout buddy. I hate being depressed. It is up to me to change this cycle. I am doing the best I can. We are weighing in tonight in my class so wish me luck. Share some encouragement and send your friends this way! I would love some more readers. Off to finish house work so I don't feel as guilty going to the gym tonight.

Today is weigh in day.....

<p>I have been at this for five weeks. One of which due to a family emergency ended up not going to the gym, and not eating as well as I liked. I am super nervous. Nervous of failure, nervous of letting people down, nervous that it will never be enough. Oh there is so much going on right now my mins keeps telling me to forget getting healthy, that I need to focus on everyone else, but I know better then that. 1 pound lost is better then any gained. I will keep you all posted.

I have decided....

In all of this I am going to be brutally honest. I had a very rough day yesterday and didn't want to blog about it but then I realized that the tough days and the days I feel alone, those days are part of my journey also. I had someone who is sick and very close to me tell me the other day that they have no interest in being healthy so to stop trying to give advice. It broke my heart. I went home that night and cried because I know that they know that a healthier diet would be a world of difference for them. I got in to it with my dear husband last night about stimulus control and about portion control. My class on Wednesday was on stimulus control and it couldn't have came at a better time honestly. When I came home after rocking the bike for 13 miles!!(YAY ME!) I came home to realize that the dinner that made 8 serving sizes only had 2 servings left. That had been eaten between my husband, daughter, and sister but I felt like there should have been more. I voiced my frustrations about him bringing a half gallon of ice cream into the  house due to it simply being a temptation. As selfish as it may be I don't want to have that junk in my house right now because then on days like yesterday that were emotionally difficult I won't cave. (Yesterday it was two servings of Fritos) So here we go. If you read this blog please let me know. As vain as it seems I want to know that people do believe in me. Thank you all for the encouragement that you have shared thus far. I am down 4 pounds. Its not much my friends, but it is a start.

Frustrations

This weekend we had visitors and it was amazing! I tried my hardest to stay on track and track even though I didn't like the numbers but I didn't do nearly as bad as I thought I would have. After my friends left we went over to my parents house with the intentions of offering to make dinner and it was nothing but a slippery slope. Started with a bag of fruit snacks, then a rice crispy treat, then some sips of Jon's soda, then some potato chips. If is in the past and I can't do anything about it but realize that I can not eat at my parents house. They aren't even kind of interested in eating healthy or having a healthy lifestyle. I need to get better at packing snacks for my family. So for all of you reading this what are some healthy snacks that keep and don't need refrigerated? Tonight is my Weight Loss class and my second weigh in. I am nervous. Scared I didn't do great. My goal this week is the gym. I SLACKED horrible last week. On to the future!

My first loss!

This is the first time in my life that I remember the scale going down. I would be lying if I said I didn't do a little happy dance out to the weights last night. 3 pounds seems so small but to me it is the beginning. It showed me I CAN do this. I didn't track my intake last week or workouts very well so this week I am starting new. I have done it before and am bound and determined to do it again. So here is to a loss and a new week with new goals!

Measurements on May 2nd, 2011

I have started a Women's Only Weight Loss class at the gym on Monday and Wednesday nights. My first class they weighed and did measurements. Due to the fact that I am in this class with older women who are trying to tone up I knew my numbers would be depressing and sure enough; at 5'5" I am 277 lbs.

My Waist Circumference is 40.50 inches
My Hip Circumfrence is 56.00 inches
My Tricep Skin Fold is 42.7 millimeters
My Supraillium Skinfold is 28.5 Millimeters
My Thigh Skinfold is 42.7 millimeters

I am not putting this here to gross anyone out, or to brag about my size but simply as a starting point. Cause we all have one, right?

LETS DO THIS!!!!!

Here we are again. 13 months later and doing it without my best lady friend by my side. I have hit my road block that I so often hit when it comes to weight loss but this time I am done. I started a class last week and totally sucked at the working out/eating portion of everything. After grocery shopping and crying because of the junk I ate I am starting today new. Starting this week as my beginning. So come along with me and help me lose. I welcome all advice, hints, tips, recipes and anything you all have to offer so help me LOSE!

Revelation

Tonight as it is 2:38 and I can't sleep to save my life I sit watching The Biggest Loser. Watching all these people discover the emotion battles and trials that they have went through to get to the weight they are really made me think. My whole life my weight has been something I have struggled with, whether it be because I was beyond skinny and killing myself or now to the point of obese and killing myself this way. While I was super skinny I dealt with issues aside from just my weight but my depression, struggling with overdosing in hopes of never waking up. Here I am now killing myself in another way. This week I had my gallbladder taken out, they weighed me and since the beginning of the year I have gained 20 pounds, seriously, 20 pounds. This has been weighing on my mind often this passed week. I look at my precious daughter and hate the fact that I never want to go anywhere because I feel disgusting, I feel like everyone around me is watching and judging me, I am simply uncomfortable. As I am sitting here crying thinking about what has gotten me to where I am I go to the kitchen and get a bowl of cereal, kind of cementing in my mind the fact that one of the problems I am dealing with is emotional eating. I am so tired of feeling sluggish and sleepy all the time but instead of forcing myself up and being productive I get up, get dressed, feed my daughter and sleep on the couch while she watches cartoons. I have such a smart amazing little girl but I am wasting my time with her, wasting it on the couch, wasting it laying around. As we have been having difficulties trying for another one I have discovered as exhausted and worthless as I am now how much harder and worse would it be on my family if I was pregnant. I am so sick of my back hurting, sick of my hips hurting, sick of feeling worthless. I am scared of failing, scared of starting something and simply not having the strength to finish it. I feel like I would be doing it all alone. I know Jon is behind me, I know he loves me no matter what I look like, but I hate that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, even around him. It breaks my heart. My head is simply a whirlwind right now, I pray that I somehow will figure out what to do from here, how to start taking care of myself and not living on medication because I simply don't have the control to keep myself healthy. Please Father in Heaven, please clear my mind. . .

Don't judge me!

So it has been awhile, don't think I have fallen off although I have been falling behind it feels like. . . I am still going to the gym and watching what I eat (for the most part) I have been having soda(real not diet, can't stand diet) I have decided however that my weight problem and eating problems are emotional. I have had a rough couple of weeks emotionally and it has resulted in eating out, not pushing myself hard enough at the gym, and simply just not being on track. I need to get there. Back where I was when I started because that just felt great. We went grocery shopping so that is a good start. We let ourselves run out of groceries and that was just not smart. My newest goal is to make sure there is always something healthy in the house, get up earlier to meditate, and just be happier. I did go 10 miles on a bike the other night, that was AMAZING!

Not the best

This weekend SUCKED! I fell hard! Didn't excersize, ate like I used to, drank soda and not water. . . What did it do for me? NOTHING! Made me feel sick and sluggish, felt like I lived in the bathroom, and just disappointed in myself. I am getting back on track though! I can't wait to start meeting with a trainer, only 1 week.

Biggest Loser???

So a couple friends of mine have mentioned trying out for the Biggest Loser on NBC. I have looked into it for a bit but I would have to leave my family for a year! I don't know if I can do that. I would miss Jon and McKenna so so much. That would put us back another year on trying for another baby and who would care for McKenna while Jon was at work and school. I am ready to cry just thinking about it. I need insight people!! Should I apply or not?

Don't know what to post here. . .

So its been a couple days since I posted, I was thinking of making sure I posted everyday to see my progress and all that but for some reason haven't been doing so well. I just had to post about my lunch today, you see I have been really good about no fast food in the past couple weeks. Doesn't seem like a big deal but as much as the family and I used to eat out it is HUGE! I have cut my soda intake to next to nothing. Well today we went and saw Jon for lunch. I had a sandwich on ciabatta bread a couple curly fries and a small soda. I ended up giving the fries to my hubby and dumping the soda out so my daughter could have the ice. The fries tasted like nothing but grease and the soda was just yuck. Hubby says my taste buds are changing, I sure hope that is true. Although the sandwich was high in calories it wasn't even that great either. I feel better, haven't seen much progression but I know it will come. One day at a time, One day at a TIME!

I will consider today a success

So today as of 8 PM my total calorie intake is still under 1000 calories. So does that mean that I shouldn't eat anymore or do I want to stay close to a certain number. Man I have NO idea what I am doing. I thought about going back to the gym tonight because it felt so great but no I am super sick to my stomach so I think the gym will have to wait til morning. Please let me know who or if anyone is reading this.

YAY!

I went and biked today. Thought I was going to die doing it but I FEEL GREAT!!! If the daycare would have kept my monkey longer I would have kept going.

Bike:
39 minutes
6.7 miles
188 calories

Tonight is better

Yes I SHOULD be in bed, but we got a late start on grocery shopping and an even later start on dinner. I did well today. Not nearly enough meals, only two. . . tomorrow is another day and WILL be better!! We are GOING TO THE GYM!!!!

Already??

Yes I already feel discouraged. I feel as though I have a relationship with food. How on earth do I rid myself of it!? I feel like all I want to do is snack and eat. I can't though. I need to stop this cycle. I need to rid myself of this addiction. Sounds much more simple then it is. I think the fear of failing is really what is getting to me. What if I don't succeed? Just a day of discouragement. I know these days will come along with those of triumph. I hope to experience the other soon.

Follow me!

Beef Sandwich, jalepeno bites, soda, 1430
Mini Snickers 56
Pistatios 160
Spicy Shrimp Diavolo 550
Total: 2196
Today was NO BUENO!!

I created a Tweet What You Eat to monitor my caloric intake. Feel free to check up on me!!

www.tweetwhatyoueat.com/diary/mlssltmr

Tomorrow WILL be a better day!

MY GOALS

*Eat more vegitables
*Excersize daily, aside from resting on Sundays
*Spend no more then 1 Hour on the computer daily
*Drink more water/less soda
*Keep my caloric intake to around 1500 daily
*Get dressed and ready everyday no matter what I am doing
*Smile more! Be proud of who I am
*Cook healthy for my family
*Have a healthy BMI


I am sure there will be more to follow but I feel as though this is a great start!