Revelation

Tonight as it is 2:38 and I can't sleep to save my life I sit watching The Biggest Loser. Watching all these people discover the emotion battles and trials that they have went through to get to the weight they are really made me think. My whole life my weight has been something I have struggled with, whether it be because I was beyond skinny and killing myself or now to the point of obese and killing myself this way. While I was super skinny I dealt with issues aside from just my weight but my depression, struggling with overdosing in hopes of never waking up. Here I am now killing myself in another way. This week I had my gallbladder taken out, they weighed me and since the beginning of the year I have gained 20 pounds, seriously, 20 pounds. This has been weighing on my mind often this passed week. I look at my precious daughter and hate the fact that I never want to go anywhere because I feel disgusting, I feel like everyone around me is watching and judging me, I am simply uncomfortable. As I am sitting here crying thinking about what has gotten me to where I am I go to the kitchen and get a bowl of cereal, kind of cementing in my mind the fact that one of the problems I am dealing with is emotional eating. I am so tired of feeling sluggish and sleepy all the time but instead of forcing myself up and being productive I get up, get dressed, feed my daughter and sleep on the couch while she watches cartoons. I have such a smart amazing little girl but I am wasting my time with her, wasting it on the couch, wasting it laying around. As we have been having difficulties trying for another one I have discovered as exhausted and worthless as I am now how much harder and worse would it be on my family if I was pregnant. I am so sick of my back hurting, sick of my hips hurting, sick of feeling worthless. I am scared of failing, scared of starting something and simply not having the strength to finish it. I feel like I would be doing it all alone. I know Jon is behind me, I know he loves me no matter what I look like, but I hate that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, even around him. It breaks my heart. My head is simply a whirlwind right now, I pray that I somehow will figure out what to do from here, how to start taking care of myself and not living on medication because I simply don't have the control to keep myself healthy. Please Father in Heaven, please clear my mind. . .