Revelation

Tonight as it is 2:38 and I can't sleep to save my life I sit watching The Biggest Loser. Watching all these people discover the emotion battles and trials that they have went through to get to the weight they are really made me think. My whole life my weight has been something I have struggled with, whether it be because I was beyond skinny and killing myself or now to the point of obese and killing myself this way. While I was super skinny I dealt with issues aside from just my weight but my depression, struggling with overdosing in hopes of never waking up. Here I am now killing myself in another way. This week I had my gallbladder taken out, they weighed me and since the beginning of the year I have gained 20 pounds, seriously, 20 pounds. This has been weighing on my mind often this passed week. I look at my precious daughter and hate the fact that I never want to go anywhere because I feel disgusting, I feel like everyone around me is watching and judging me, I am simply uncomfortable. As I am sitting here crying thinking about what has gotten me to where I am I go to the kitchen and get a bowl of cereal, kind of cementing in my mind the fact that one of the problems I am dealing with is emotional eating. I am so tired of feeling sluggish and sleepy all the time but instead of forcing myself up and being productive I get up, get dressed, feed my daughter and sleep on the couch while she watches cartoons. I have such a smart amazing little girl but I am wasting my time with her, wasting it on the couch, wasting it laying around. As we have been having difficulties trying for another one I have discovered as exhausted and worthless as I am now how much harder and worse would it be on my family if I was pregnant. I am so sick of my back hurting, sick of my hips hurting, sick of feeling worthless. I am scared of failing, scared of starting something and simply not having the strength to finish it. I feel like I would be doing it all alone. I know Jon is behind me, I know he loves me no matter what I look like, but I hate that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, even around him. It breaks my heart. My head is simply a whirlwind right now, I pray that I somehow will figure out what to do from here, how to start taking care of myself and not living on medication because I simply don't have the control to keep myself healthy. Please Father in Heaven, please clear my mind. . .

Don't judge me!

So it has been awhile, don't think I have fallen off although I have been falling behind it feels like. . . I am still going to the gym and watching what I eat (for the most part) I have been having soda(real not diet, can't stand diet) I have decided however that my weight problem and eating problems are emotional. I have had a rough couple of weeks emotionally and it has resulted in eating out, not pushing myself hard enough at the gym, and simply just not being on track. I need to get there. Back where I was when I started because that just felt great. We went grocery shopping so that is a good start. We let ourselves run out of groceries and that was just not smart. My newest goal is to make sure there is always something healthy in the house, get up earlier to meditate, and just be happier. I did go 10 miles on a bike the other night, that was AMAZING!

Not the best

This weekend SUCKED! I fell hard! Didn't excersize, ate like I used to, drank soda and not water. . . What did it do for me? NOTHING! Made me feel sick and sluggish, felt like I lived in the bathroom, and just disappointed in myself. I am getting back on track though! I can't wait to start meeting with a trainer, only 1 week.

Biggest Loser???

So a couple friends of mine have mentioned trying out for the Biggest Loser on NBC. I have looked into it for a bit but I would have to leave my family for a year! I don't know if I can do that. I would miss Jon and McKenna so so much. That would put us back another year on trying for another baby and who would care for McKenna while Jon was at work and school. I am ready to cry just thinking about it. I need insight people!! Should I apply or not?

Don't know what to post here. . .

So its been a couple days since I posted, I was thinking of making sure I posted everyday to see my progress and all that but for some reason haven't been doing so well. I just had to post about my lunch today, you see I have been really good about no fast food in the past couple weeks. Doesn't seem like a big deal but as much as the family and I used to eat out it is HUGE! I have cut my soda intake to next to nothing. Well today we went and saw Jon for lunch. I had a sandwich on ciabatta bread a couple curly fries and a small soda. I ended up giving the fries to my hubby and dumping the soda out so my daughter could have the ice. The fries tasted like nothing but grease and the soda was just yuck. Hubby says my taste buds are changing, I sure hope that is true. Although the sandwich was high in calories it wasn't even that great either. I feel better, haven't seen much progression but I know it will come. One day at a time, One day at a TIME!

I will consider today a success

So today as of 8 PM my total calorie intake is still under 1000 calories. So does that mean that I shouldn't eat anymore or do I want to stay close to a certain number. Man I have NO idea what I am doing. I thought about going back to the gym tonight because it felt so great but no I am super sick to my stomach so I think the gym will have to wait til morning. Please let me know who or if anyone is reading this.

YAY!

I went and biked today. Thought I was going to die doing it but I FEEL GREAT!!! If the daycare would have kept my monkey longer I would have kept going.

Bike:
39 minutes
6.7 miles
188 calories

Tonight is better

Yes I SHOULD be in bed, but we got a late start on grocery shopping and an even later start on dinner. I did well today. Not nearly enough meals, only two. . . tomorrow is another day and WILL be better!! We are GOING TO THE GYM!!!!

Already??

Yes I already feel discouraged. I feel as though I have a relationship with food. How on earth do I rid myself of it!? I feel like all I want to do is snack and eat. I can't though. I need to stop this cycle. I need to rid myself of this addiction. Sounds much more simple then it is. I think the fear of failing is really what is getting to me. What if I don't succeed? Just a day of discouragement. I know these days will come along with those of triumph. I hope to experience the other soon.

Follow me!

Beef Sandwich, jalepeno bites, soda, 1430
Mini Snickers 56
Pistatios 160
Spicy Shrimp Diavolo 550
Total: 2196
Today was NO BUENO!!

I created a Tweet What You Eat to monitor my caloric intake. Feel free to check up on me!!

www.tweetwhatyoueat.com/diary/mlssltmr

Tomorrow WILL be a better day!

MY GOALS

*Eat more vegitables
*Excersize daily, aside from resting on Sundays
*Spend no more then 1 Hour on the computer daily
*Drink more water/less soda
*Keep my caloric intake to around 1500 daily
*Get dressed and ready everyday no matter what I am doing
*Smile more! Be proud of who I am
*Cook healthy for my family
*Have a healthy BMI


I am sure there will be more to follow but I feel as though this is a great start!

One step at a time

So here is the deal, I am not writing this blog with the intentions of having anyone read it. It is mearly for a personal record of my journey to not only become a better me but an example for my family on how to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I am depressed more and more every day about my weight, lack of energy, and having no desire to get dressed or leave the house.

I pray with all my heart that my daughter/children for any reason ever feel that way. I want myself and family to be proud of the temples that our amazing father in heaven has created.

This blog will be an insight for me once I succeed. Something for my family to read to see the highs and lows of the journey that I have set forth on. I have joined Gold's Gym version of the Biggest Loser. I WILL WIN!!! No matter what even by changing my way of life will be a success for me.

So come on join me on the journey. If you choose to follow feel free to offer encouragement or remind me of my goals, feel free to offer suggestions to help me reach my goals, please don't judge me for my weight, BMI, measurements or anything. I don't need discouragement but I could use a cheering crowd!!